Love Needs Boundaries, Too... Faith and Psychiatry Explore Restoring Relationships [fn Book Briefing]

Is loving someone close to you the same as accepting all of their demands? For those who have been hurt in relationships yet believe that, as people of faith, they should endure more and make greater sacrifices, the new book ‘The Christian Relationship Counseling Room’ asks how to love others while protecting oneself.The book was co-written by six psychiatrists and one pastoral counselor. Drawing on their counseling experience, the authors explore seven themes: God, the self, children, married couples, romantic partners, adolescents and the workplace. They examine minds experiencing anxiety and conflict through the language of faith and psychiatry.■ The Mind Through the Lenses of Faith and PsychologyThe authors see the relationship with God as the starting point for all relationships. Their view is that the love received in that relationship shapes how people treat themselves and their neighbors. They connect an understanding grounded in the Holy Bible with the workings and development of the mind as explained by psychiatry, neuroscience and psychology.
One notable section discusses ‘being true to oneself’ alongside ‘self-transcendence.’ The book views being true to oneself as a psychological developmental task necessary for a healthy life. It places side by side the cultivation of the ability to live authentically and biblical self-transcendence: going beyond oneself to serve others.
The two themes are closely tied to how people view themselves within their faith. Before attributing relationship difficulties solely to personal shortcomings, the book encourages readers to reflect on their own attitude toward the other person. With a separate chapter devoted to each kind of relationship, readers can choose the sections most relevant to their concerns.
Yoo Eun-jeong, a psychiatrist and director of Seocho Good Clinic who wrote a recommendation for the book, highlighted the importance of setting healthy boundaries without confusing love with sacrifice. Yoo likened boundaries to “a fence that protects love for a long time, rather than a wall that blocks it,” and said, “It shows that one can love to the very end when one protects oneself in God.”■ Healthy Boundaries at Home and at WorkThe book notes that parents’ expectations can become a burden for their children. Parents should be a channel for unconditional love, and expectations that help children thrive also sustain parents, it explains. It examines the foundations of relationships so that parenting is not viewed solely as a matter of achievement.
The key to a relationship between spouses is allowing each other to be fully themselves in one another’s presence. The book also offers everyday expressions of intimacy, such as embracing. In romantic relationships, it addresses the desire to possess a partner and the challenge of learning restraint amid intense emotions; for adolescents, it advises respecting themselves and building relationships with their peers.
At work, the challenge is to reconcile individuals’ aspirations for their personal lives with the roles and performance their organization demands. The book suggests building the capacity to handle one’s work, defining the scope of one’s role, and practicing asking for help when needed or turning down unreasonable requests.
The book guides readers toward finding ways to respect both themselves and others as they work to restore relationships. Readers can reflect on the meaning of love and sacrifice and learn how to choose a course of action when faced with everyday conflicts.
Co-written by Mun Eun-su (head of the Department of Psychiatry at Pusan National University Hospital), Mun Seong-il (cooperating pastor at Daegu Dongshin Church), Kim Rok-u (director of Ikkullim Psychiatry Clinic), Shin Su-mi (director of Shin Su-mi Psychiatry Clinic), Kim Min-cheol (director of Kim Min-cheol Psychiatry Clinic), Kim Seong-jin (psychiatrist at Deokgye Seongsim Hospital) and Lee Sang-su (director of Tongtong Shine Psychiatry Clinic). Saemsootneun Gippeum. 312 pages. 24,000 won.
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